It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you, and I want to
catch you up on my life in LA. In lieu of our once-lengthy correspondences,
we’ve texted, liked each other’s Facebook statuses and you’ve sent me snapchats
of your day-to-day activities.
Obviously, I would have preferred snapchats of your naked
body. But, I guess, if you don’t want to be cool and share full-frontal snaps throughout
the day with me, then that’s fine. I still want to be friends. But look, becoming
better at Snapchat should be one of your New Year’s resolutions. Like, right
when you get out of the shower, just take a snapchat in a full-length mirror
and send it over to me for 9 seconds. It’s really not so hard.
What about the concept of Snapchat exactly are you not understanding?
Is it the part where you should be sending me dick pics, but instead are NOT
sending me dick pics? If you're not going to send me funny dick pics, then you may as
well get off of the app all together. You’re wasting my time. I don’t give a damn
about the sunset you saw yesterday, that basket of puppies you saved or your
wife smiling lovingly as she holds your first-born child. I wasn’t even
remotely inspired by that shit.
You never asked me to do this, but still I’ve sent you
5-second close-up snaps of my vagina every day since we were last together. I
draw mustaches on my vagina for you. I color my vagina all of the different
colors of the rainbow for you. I have my vagina saying funny things about the
weather being hot and humid for you. I do all of this for you because a true
friend shouldn’t need to be asked for funny pictures of their genitalia,
BECAUSE THEY’VE ALREADY SENT FUNNY PICTURES OF THEIR GENITALIA.
Seriously, All I receive in return from you are snaps of
jack-o-lanterns and pictures of fucking cats! Seriously, this is abysmal
Snapchat etiquette. Sometimes I wonder if you even care about me at all.
Seriously, do you even care about me at all?! I’m not a whore! I matter! Screw
you! Why don’t you go say hi to your lovely wife who you love deeply for me?!?! I’m
sure you make her very happy. Whatever, your marriage is not important to
me. What IS important to me is Snapchat.
Snaps of my vagina are
to let you know that I’m thinking of you, that I value your friendship and to
give you something to aspire towards.
How have you been?
I am very good. A lot of great and exciting stuff is
happening for me in LA. I’d tell you more about it, but I’ve spent so much
energy explaining all of the ways in which you are failing at Snapchat that
I’ve run out of time. However, this was obviously an issue that
needed addressed. I feel a lot better having gotten that off of my chest.
Your friend,
Leah
