25 Reasons Why I Swiped Left (Rejected You) on Tinder WARNING: MEAN POST!!!

Aren’t we all on Tinder for the swiping? I don’t even especially want to meet anyone, but I’m addicted to the swiping! Tinder is an epic game of Hot or Not where I can hook up with the people that I deem HOT! I get confidence points every time there's a match! “I don't care! I love it!  I don’t care!” Those are lyrics to this song:

Unfortunately, I’m swiping right (wanting the D) less than 1-in-100 times. These are the reasons why I swiped left:

   1)   You’re ugly. Sorry… imagine I put that in a gentler way....

   2)   Your profile picture is of half of your face. Do you have no understanding of composition? Are you awful at taking selfies? Are you the Phantom of the Opera?

   3)   You don’t smile in any of your photos. Kill yourself. Alternatively, seek help. I don’t care either way.

   4)   Your profile picture is of you and your friends. Your friend is more attractive than you. Can you give me his number?

   5)   ALL OF YOUR PICTURES are of you and your friends. It’s like playing a game of Where’s Insecure Waldo?

   6)   You only had 2 or 3 photos. I need more to go on than that for judging you. Default swipe left.

   7)   You didn’t write a description. Try a little bit harder to get into my pants. How lazy are you? I’d have to be on top the whole time, wouldn’t I?

   8)   You wrote way too long of a description. I don’t actually care that much about your thoughts and feelings. This is a hookup app.

  9)  I’ve already gone on a date with you. Obviously, it didn't work out between us. 

   10)   We have a mutual friend that I’ve already gone on a date with. Obviously, it didn't work out between us. 

  11) We have too many mutual friends. I don’t want my behavior with you to reflect poorly on me with the people whose opinions I actually care about.

  12)  Your shirt is off in your profile picture, and every picture. I think you’re a dummy.

  13)  You’re gay. Seriously, you don’t know that you’re gay yet?! I could tell just by looking at photos of you that you like boys! We’re in LA! It’s great being gay here! Screw your bullshit religious upbringing! Go dance in West Hollywood!

   14)  Your name is something that’s hard for me to say. I only like screaming names that I can pronounce.

   15)  You’re from a race of people that I’m not into. Sorry my sexual preferences are so racist! The heart wants what the heart wants, and in this case, the heart wants blue eyes or dance moves or a better-than-average chance of a big D.

   16)  I saw you on OKCupid months ago when I still had a profile and I’m hypocritically judging you for it now.

   17) You live too far away (6+ miles). This is LA and I will deal with traffic for no man!

   18)  I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly, but there’s something about you that I don’t like. I think you’re a jerk or stupid or arrogant based on your face. You’ve got that je ne sais quoi that I abhor.

   19) You were smoking a cigarette in a photo. Cigarette smoking is such an essential part of who you are that you need to have it in your dating profile photos? Gross. I’m a yoga instructor. Get your life together before your lungs collapse. 

   20) You’re partying in every photo. I partied professionally in Las Vegas for 2 and 1/2 years. I’m over it. These days, I want to go to bed at a reasonable hour and never drink a vodka redbull ever again.

   21) You have hot women with you in every photo. If I’m better looking than the girls you’re showing off then you’ve got no chance.

   22) You’re holding a guitar. I’m not going to date a musician that I met on the Internet... even my phone is worried that it’ll catch something from you. BUT if I meet you at a show that you’re playing, and if you’re incredibly amazing then herpes be damned! I’ll fall in love with you instantly.

   23) You have headshots. You’re an actor and I don’t like it one bit. Let me know if you’re ever famous, otherwise piss off.

   24) You posted a link to your art and I think it sucks.

   25) I was already on a roll of swiping left and accidentally swiped you left too! I’m so sorry, baby! Goodbye my one true love, goodbye! May our paths cross again one day. :(

These are the reasons why I swiped left to you on Tinder! Sorry I’m not sorry. 

Dear Friend: Snapchat Dick Pics Wanted

Dear Friend,

It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you, and I want to catch you up on my life in LA. In lieu of our once-lengthy correspondences, we’ve texted, liked each other’s Facebook statuses and you’ve sent me snapchats of your day-to-day activities.

Obviously, I would have preferred snapchats of your naked body. But, I guess, if you don’t want to be cool and share full-frontal snaps throughout the day with me, then that’s fine. I still want to be friends. But look, becoming better at Snapchat should be one of your New Year’s resolutions. Like, right when you get out of the shower, just take a snapchat in a full-length mirror and send it over to me for 9 seconds. It’s really not so hard.

What about the concept of Snapchat exactly are you not understanding? Is it the part where you should be sending me dick pics, but instead are NOT sending me dick pics? If you're not going to send me funny dick pics, then you may as well get off of the app all together. You’re wasting my time. I don’t give a damn about the sunset you saw yesterday, that basket of puppies you saved or your wife smiling lovingly as she holds your first-born child. I wasn’t even remotely inspired by that shit.

You never asked me to do this, but still I’ve sent you 5-second close-up snaps of my vagina every day since we were last together. I draw mustaches on my vagina for you. I color my vagina all of the different colors of the rainbow for you. I have my vagina saying funny things about the weather being hot and humid for you. I do all of this for you because a true friend shouldn’t need to be asked for funny pictures of their genitalia, BECAUSE THEY’VE ALREADY SENT FUNNY PICTURES OF THEIR GENITALIA.

Seriously, All I receive in return from you are snaps of jack-o-lanterns and pictures of fucking cats! Seriously, this is abysmal Snapchat etiquette. Sometimes I wonder if you even care about me at all. Seriously, do you even care about me at all?! I’m not a whore! I matter! Screw you! Why don’t you go say hi to your lovely wife who you love deeply for me?!?! I’m sure you make her very happy. Whatever, your marriage is not important to me. What IS important to me is Snapchat.

Snaps of my vagina are to let you know that I’m thinking of you, that I value your friendship and to give you something to aspire towards.

How have you been?

I am very good. A lot of great and exciting stuff is happening for me in LA. I’d tell you more about it, but I’ve spent so much energy explaining all of the ways in which you are failing at Snapchat that I’ve run out of time. However, this was obviously an issue that needed addressed. I feel a lot better having gotten that off of my chest.

Your friend,

Leah

p.s. Check your Snapchat inbox! ;)

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