Showing posts with label The Yoga Stripper. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Yoga Stripper. Show all posts

Friday, December 27, 2013

Dear Friend: Snapchat Dick Pics Wanted


Dear Friend,

It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you, and I want to catch you up on my life in LA. In lieu of our once-lengthy correspondences, we’ve texted, liked each other’s Facebook statuses and you’ve sent me snapchats of your day-to-day activities.


Obviously, I would have preferred snapchats of your naked body. But, I guess, if you don’t want to be cool and share full-frontal snaps throughout the day with me, then that’s fine. I still want to be friends. But look, becoming better at Snapchat should be one of your New Year’s resolutions. Like, right when you get out of the shower, just take a snapchat in a full-length mirror and send it over to me for 9 seconds. It’s really not so hard.

What about the concept of Snapchat exactly are you not understanding? Is it the part where you should be sending me dick pics, but instead are NOT sending me dick pics? If you're not going to send me funny dick pics, then you may as well get off of the app all together. You’re wasting my time. I don’t give a damn about the sunset you saw yesterday, that basket of puppies you saved or your wife smiling lovingly as she holds your first-born child. I wasn’t even remotely inspired by that shit.

You never asked me to do this, but still I’ve sent you 5-second close-up snaps of my vagina every day since we were last together. I draw mustaches on my vagina for you. I color my vagina all of the different colors of the rainbow for you. I have my vagina saying funny things about the weather being hot and humid for you. I do all of this for you because a true friend shouldn’t need to be asked for funny pictures of their genitalia, BECAUSE THEY’VE ALREADY SENT FUNNY PICTURES OF THEIR GENITALIA.

Seriously, All I receive in return from you are snaps of jack-o-lanterns and pictures of fucking cats! Seriously, this is abysmal Snapchat etiquette. Sometimes I wonder if you even care about me at all. Seriously, do you even care about me at all?! I’m not a whore! I matter! Screw you! Why don’t you go say hi to your lovely wife who you love deeply for me?!?! I’m sure you make her very happy. Whatever, your marriage is not important to me. What IS important to me is Snapchat.

Snaps of my vagina are to let you know that I’m thinking of you, that I value your friendship and to give you something to aspire towards.

How have you been?

I am very good. A lot of great and exciting stuff is happening for me in LA. I’d tell you more about it, but I’ve spent so much energy explaining all of the ways in which you are failing at Snapchat that I’ve run out of time. However, this was obviously an issue that needed addressed. I feel a lot better having gotten that off of my chest.

Your friend,

Leah

p.s. Check your Snapchat inbox! ;)

Follow me on twitter @theyogastripper

Friday, October 4, 2013

5 Ways that Stripping in Vegas Changed Me


I worked as a stripper for 2 ½ years at the Spearmint Rhino in Vegas. I haven’t been a stripper since April, and I’m still adjusting to life after that Black Friday hustle in the darkness.
There have been some good changes to my psyche that will help me to succeed in life, and there have been some disturbing changes that make me want to go to therapy ASAP.
The good and bad together, I know that all of the changes have made me more adept at survival. A good story teaches us how to adapt, survive and thrive, and stripping in Vegas was a great story.
I’m much stronger, if not better, for my time as a stripper.  And here’s my brain now because of it…

1)   I like older guys

As a stripper at work in Vegas, this is how the scene looks: Good-looking guys my age are arrogant, broke douche bags who will give me no money yet still think I’d like to have sex with them just because they’re hot. Or they’ll offer an insultingly low amount of money for sex.

“Come back to my hotel room with me. I’ll give you a $100.”
“Nope. Bye. Have fun masturbating.”

Men 35+ are where it’s at in a stripper’s world. These men are really excited that a young girl is willing to writhe around almost naked with them and they respond with a lot of gratitude, a lot of compliments and a lot of cash.

So yeah, post stripping, I still carry a torch for older gentlemen who have the desire and the means to spoil me.  And, unless I’m especially horny and lonely, I have disdain for the guys my age that are too cocky and beautiful. “Get a real job, pretty boy.”


2)   Rejection is my middle name… aka I’m fearless

I have been rejected more than anyone who has never worked as a stripper. My sexual overtures have been rejected by 1000s of men. Thousands of men were huge assholes to me, waved me away from them without a word or told me I wasn’t their type. Thousands of men told me $20 was too much to have my naked breasts in their face for a song. A few men even tried not to pay me after my naked breasts had been in their face, telling me “You’re not worth that much.”

When a guy overreacts to my rejection of him, instead of feeling bad, as I did before being a stripper, I find it extremely pathetic.

When I was rejected, I got up and got on with my life. I didn’t throw a fucking tantrum.

 I had one guy I’d rejected at a bar tell me to, “Go kill yourself.”
Seriously, dude? Grow a freaking pair.

Constant rejection was THE BEST GIFT stripping gave me. Most people live their entire lives with a paralyzing fear of rejection. They’re too afraid to be told No. They’re too afraid to fail. They’re too afraid of potential pain. And so they never TRY anything.

And seriously, you’ll miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

With fear of rejection a vague memory, I’m free to approach anyone, try anything, risk it all…

I’m free to move to LA to pursue my childhood dream of being a writer. And that’s well worth being told No a few thousand times.  After all, it only takes one.

3)   Prostitution is totally fine and awesome.

I wasn’t a prostitute in Vegas. I wasn’t even fully nude. I was selling tits. I was selling a party. I was selling pretending to care about men I couldn’t have cared less about.

I wasn’t sleeping with men for money, but this was a line drawn in the sand. I WAS selling a level of intimacy, once reserved for my boyfriend, to whoever was willing to pay me enough, and this decision, repeated over time, resulted in the same detached mentality towards sex that prostitutes have.

Make me an offer. I might take you up on it.

When I first started stripping, the idea of sex for money was appalling.
“Absolutely NOT! I am NOT for sale! Not for a million dollars I wouldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t choose from my loins!”

Three years later, I believe that there’s nothing wrong with choosing sexual partners with my brain instead of my loins. There’s nothing wrong with making decisions with my wallet instead of my heart.

No one in their right mind would have been willing to pay me a million dollars to sleep with them. So then I lowered my hypothetical price to $30,000. By the end, when a friend told me she’d agreed to have sex with someone for $2000, I was legitimately impressed with her being able to pull that sort of money and I insisted that she should be proud of herself.  Market value for high-end pussy in Vegas was only $1000 after all – my girl gets double that cause she’s a sexy baller.

This attitude of having no price that someone could pay you for sex is so far removed from most people’s realities… this is the naïve attitude of first world women who have never had to compromise themselves in order to survive.

This no longer describes me.

4)   Don’t cuddle me, bro.

I’m totally fine with having some fun with a guy that I couldn’t care less about.

As long as it’s safe, then I don’t need to know anyone’s real name…

But I can’t cuddle with anyone unless I actually care about him. Cuddling was never a commodity I was selling.

Sex is a fun 2-man, or occasionally group, activity. Cuddling is letting my guard down, letting myself feel my emotions for a change instead of using yoga to quiet and control them.

Vulnerability doesn’t make money, and I’m trained to make money.

“Do you want to sleep over?”
“Oh… that’s okay. I’m sure you have a really early morning…”
“No, I have a completely free day.”
“Right… I wanted to get a full day of writing in… sooo…Bye.”

5)   “Yo, Eskimo. Lemme sell you some ice.”

My interpersonal skills, my sales skills, are like no other. If I had a sales business, I’d want to hire exclusively ex-strippers to pedal my wares… not that I could afford their services.

Everything the books tell you to do to improve your communication skills, I did for years for money. I learned to approach, build rapport and confidence, and most importantly, I learned to close. ABCs – Always be closing.

Every interaction people have has the undercurrent of sex. This is why we like people. This is why we do what others want us to do. Sex is always the secret reason behind persuasion.
I spent years blatantly selling my sexuality – putting it so far ahead of myself that it couldn’t be missed. So now, all I have to do to sell is tone the sex down. The persuasion works the same as when I was stripping, only the subtly has been adjusted.

If this whole writing shebang doesn’t work out, I’m going to be making bank as Billy Mayes – hocking whatever the hell I want to hock – because I can convince Eskimos to buy ice.

So that’s it. That’s my mind now after stripping. 

I sometimes miss the Ohio country girl I once was. But that’s okay because the woman I am now is hardworking, determined, beautiful, brave and so incredibly strong that it hurts my heart to remember what she had to go through to become that way.

I still fully believe that when I achieve True Liberation, it’ll all have been worth the trouble.  And the journey itself has been well worth the price of admission. 

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Dear Friend - Life in Los Angeles


Dear Friend

Silver Lake is amazing. I finished the first draft of my TV show pilot and I have a Vegas friend, a writer for Penn and Teller, and one of the funniest men I know, looking over it this week and telling me how I can improve it. So, I’m now working on supporting documents for the show. I’m writing Treatments (detailed outlines) for the next 2 episodes, and creating a “story bible” with the characters and descriptions of the world they live in.

I’m also trying to improve my ability to write comedic sitcoms. I’m analyzing some of the best sitcoms figuring out their formulas and analyzing their characters. My improv classes are amazingly helpful in this. Through improv, I am gaining a much better understanding of comedic characters and scenes. Practically every decent comedic performer and writer studies improvisation.

It seems much easier to be successful in this industry now that I’m actually in LA. As long as I keep writing and producing and never stop then it’s going to go really well. I get better at writing every day. I meet other writers that are already successful and have careers that I aspire to. And I meet writers that are just okay and still have jobs.

These last months in LA have truly been some of the happiest of my life. There’s so much to do and learn here. Every creator I’ve ever wanted to meet who is alive right now lives in the same place I do. It’s the most amazing feeling.

Every Sunday, I’ve been going to the live podcast of Dan Harmon, the creator of the TV show Community. Community is definitely one of the best comedy shows on television, and by showing up over an hour early, I get to sit in the front row to listen to Dan and his friends discuss what their lives are like. It’s incredibly inspiring. It reminds me of Movie Night in Las Vegas with Penn Jillette and his/my friends – both Dan and Penn are loud successful creative geniuses surrounded by opinionated funny people – but Dan is an often-depressed alcoholic while Penn has never touched a drop of alcohol. Also, Penn was my friend, and I, so far, just pretend that these people are my friends.

My yoga practice has improved since I’ve moved here as well. I haven’t taught a class since April, which has given me the opportunity to have my own practice where I can focus on my breath and meditate. It’s a bit hard, because I love yoga and writing equally, and I wish I had two lives – one where I could focus on my writing and one where I focus only on yoga. I don’t know which would make me happier. But, I’ve started to miss teaching now, so I’m going to try and find a yoga instructing job – I’m sure a gym would hire me. I’m a really good instructor for my 2 ½ years of teaching. The studio yoga instructors have all been teaching for at least 10 years it seems, and I’d have to practice and learn a lot more to get one of the best teaching jobs. But, that’s one of the best things about yoga – it teaches me to live in the present and enjoy breathing and all of the amazing people and places I’m experiencing, and at least I try not to project myself too much into a future where there will simply be new problems and new rewards.

I’m going to be signing up for Central Casting maybe next week. Central Casting does the background casting for TV shows and movies. So since I’m a pretty girl who can play between 18-30-something probably, I should be able to get a lot of work as an extra. That way I can still have a free schedule, make some extra money, and be on film sets so I can learn more about the process.

I already have one amazing and connected friend out here, my friend from college Harry. He’s been writing/directing/producing films since he was 14 in Chicago. When my Vegas friend is done helping me with my TV show pilot, and I think it’s really as good as I can make it, then I can show Harry and I think Harry will know how to help me with what to do next.

I already have a lot of friends here. There is a group of pretty, super great girls from my college who all live right by each other on the beach, and I’ve been going to stay them on weekends. We listen to music together and drink on the beach. A lot of friends from college, or people I’ve met through happenstance. For example, I have one friend out here who produces cool reality shows for the food network and discovery channels and I met him my Sophomore year of college when a friend of mine was on a really awful Playboy TV show. I had a magazine I was “running” at the time, and I hit it off with the men working on the show and they let me follow them around for the week to write an article. And it would seem more people move here every day.

I’m still working on finding a group of really great funny writers with which to collaborate and spend all of my time, but I’m sure it will happen soon.

Last night, I went by myself to see one of my favorite bands play – Alt-J. It was a wonderful experience. I was crying and dancing and singing along with thousands of people. Music is so good live. Even when I go to listen alone.


I miss you. I’ll see you soon. I hope.

Leah