25 Reasons Why I Swiped Left (Rejected You) on Tinder WARNING: MEAN POST!!!

Aren’t we all on Tinder for the swiping? I don’t even especially want to meet anyone, but I’m addicted to the swiping! Tinder is an epic game of Hot or Not where I can hook up with the people that I deem HOT! I get confidence points every time there's a match! “I don't care! I love it!  I don’t care!” Those are lyrics to this song:

Unfortunately, I’m swiping right (wanting the D) less than 1-in-100 times. These are the reasons why I swiped left:

   1)   You’re ugly. Sorry… imagine I put that in a gentler way....

   2)   Your profile picture is of half of your face. Do you have no understanding of composition? Are you awful at taking selfies? Are you the Phantom of the Opera?

   3)   You don’t smile in any of your photos. Kill yourself. Alternatively, seek help. I don’t care either way.

   4)   Your profile picture is of you and your friends. Your friend is more attractive than you. Can you give me his number?

   5)   ALL OF YOUR PICTURES are of you and your friends. It’s like playing a game of Where’s Insecure Waldo?

   6)   You only had 2 or 3 photos. I need more to go on than that for judging you. Default swipe left.

   7)   You didn’t write a description. Try a little bit harder to get into my pants. How lazy are you? I’d have to be on top the whole time, wouldn’t I?

   8)   You wrote way too long of a description. I don’t actually care that much about your thoughts and feelings. This is a hookup app.

  9)  I’ve already gone on a date with you. Obviously, it didn't work out between us. 

   10)   We have a mutual friend that I’ve already gone on a date with. Obviously, it didn't work out between us. 

  11) We have too many mutual friends. I don’t want my behavior with you to reflect poorly on me with the people whose opinions I actually care about.

  12)  Your shirt is off in your profile picture, and every picture. I think you’re a dummy.

  13)  You’re gay. Seriously, you don’t know that you’re gay yet?! I could tell just by looking at photos of you that you like boys! We’re in LA! It’s great being gay here! Screw your bullshit religious upbringing! Go dance in West Hollywood!

   14)  Your name is something that’s hard for me to say. I only like screaming names that I can pronounce.

   15)  You’re from a race of people that I’m not into. Sorry my sexual preferences are so racist! The heart wants what the heart wants, and in this case, the heart wants blue eyes or dance moves or a better-than-average chance of a big D.

   16)  I saw you on OKCupid months ago when I still had a profile and I’m hypocritically judging you for it now.

   17) You live too far away (6+ miles). This is LA and I will deal with traffic for no man!

   18)  I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly, but there’s something about you that I don’t like. I think you’re a jerk or stupid or arrogant based on your face. You’ve got that je ne sais quoi that I abhor.

   19) You were smoking a cigarette in a photo. Cigarette smoking is such an essential part of who you are that you need to have it in your dating profile photos? Gross. I’m a yoga instructor. Get your life together before your lungs collapse. 

   20) You’re partying in every photo. I partied professionally in Las Vegas for 2 and 1/2 years. I’m over it. These days, I want to go to bed at a reasonable hour and never drink a vodka redbull ever again.

   21) You have hot women with you in every photo. If I’m better looking than the girls you’re showing off then you’ve got no chance.

   22) You’re holding a guitar. I’m not going to date a musician that I met on the Internet... even my phone is worried that it’ll catch something from you. BUT if I meet you at a show that you’re playing, and if you’re incredibly amazing then herpes be damned! I’ll fall in love with you instantly.

   23) You have headshots. You’re an actor and I don’t like it one bit. Let me know if you’re ever famous, otherwise piss off.

   24) You posted a link to your art and I think it sucks.

   25) I was already on a roll of swiping left and accidentally swiped you left too! I’m so sorry, baby! Goodbye my one true love, goodbye! May our paths cross again one day. :(

These are the reasons why I swiped left to you on Tinder! Sorry I’m not sorry. 

A car thief costs me $340 and convinces me that I'm going mad

I locked my keys in my car the other night. I'd left them on the passenger seat. I decided to deal with it in the morning. 

In the morning my car had been stolen. 

I called insurance to find out that theft wasn't covered. I called my mother and told her to cash in my mutual funds. Finally, I found my car title with my license number and called the police. 

The police told me that my car hadn't been stolen. My car had been towed for blocking someone's driveway. I began to worry about my sanity because I had a very vivid memory of parallel parking legally between two cars: the only street sign had said, ”No Littering;” the curb had been present and grey. What's wrong with me?  My mind must be slipping...  

I went to get my car from the tow yard. I asked if they could get my keys out of my car as I'd locked them inside and I couldn't find my spare. They said that I'd left the driver's side door unlocked and showed me the keys in the ignition. They asked me if I'd been drunk, but I'd been totally sober and apparently just going out of my mind... something must be wrong with my brain.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN?!?!?

It cost me $340 to have my car towed and pay the ticket for blocking a driveway. I've spent days worrying about what's wrong with me.

This morning, I finally realized what must have happened!

I DID lock my keys in my car! A thief saw my keys on the passenger seat, broke into my car, attempted to steal my car, couldn't drive a manual transmission, stalled out the car probably 20 feet from where I'd parked it, left the keys in the ignition, left the door unlocked and left my car blocking a drive way!

So I'm out $340, but that's alright as MY CAR SHOULD HAVE BEEN STOLEN but some crack head couldn't drive a stick shift.

AND (more importantly) I'M NOT CRAZY! I can stop sadly questioning the state of my brain! I can trust the information my brain is sending me to be accurate again! I'm not having terrible acid flashbacks! I'M NOT CRAZY!

In fact, not only am I NOT crazy, but also I'm basically Sherlock Holmes using my incredible deductive reasoning to solve mysteries. AND I can drive a manual transmission.