25 Reasons Why I Swiped Left (Rejected You) on Tinder WARNING: MEAN POST!!!

Aren’t we all on Tinder for the swiping? I don’t even especially want to meet anyone, but I’m addicted to the swiping! Tinder is an epic game of Hot or Not where I can hook up with the people that I deem HOT! I get confidence points every time there's a match! “I don't care! I love it!  I don’t care!” Those are lyrics to this song:

Unfortunately, I’m swiping right (wanting the D) less than 1-in-100 times. These are the reasons why I swiped left:

   1)   You’re ugly. Sorry… imagine I put that in a gentler way....

   2)   Your profile picture is of half of your face. Do you have no understanding of composition? Are you awful at taking selfies? Are you the Phantom of the Opera?

   3)   You don’t smile in any of your photos. Kill yourself. Alternatively, seek help. I don’t care either way.

   4)   Your profile picture is of you and your friends. Your friend is more attractive than you. Can you give me his number?

   5)   ALL OF YOUR PICTURES are of you and your friends. It’s like playing a game of Where’s Insecure Waldo?

   6)   You only had 2 or 3 photos. I need more to go on than that for judging you. Default swipe left.

   7)   You didn’t write a description. Try a little bit harder to get into my pants. How lazy are you? I’d have to be on top the whole time, wouldn’t I?

   8)   You wrote way too long of a description. I don’t actually care that much about your thoughts and feelings. This is a hookup app.

  9)  I’ve already gone on a date with you. Obviously, it didn't work out between us. 

   10)   We have a mutual friend that I’ve already gone on a date with. Obviously, it didn't work out between us. 

  11) We have too many mutual friends. I don’t want my behavior with you to reflect poorly on me with the people whose opinions I actually care about.

  12)  Your shirt is off in your profile picture, and every picture. I think you’re a dummy.

  13)  You’re gay. Seriously, you don’t know that you’re gay yet?! I could tell just by looking at photos of you that you like boys! We’re in LA! It’s great being gay here! Screw your bullshit religious upbringing! Go dance in West Hollywood!

   14)  Your name is something that’s hard for me to say. I only like screaming names that I can pronounce.

   15)  You’re from a race of people that I’m not into. Sorry my sexual preferences are so racist! The heart wants what the heart wants, and in this case, the heart wants blue eyes or dance moves or a better-than-average chance of a big D.

   16)  I saw you on OKCupid months ago when I still had a profile and I’m hypocritically judging you for it now.

   17) You live too far away (6+ miles). This is LA and I will deal with traffic for no man!

   18)  I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly, but there’s something about you that I don’t like. I think you’re a jerk or stupid or arrogant based on your face. You’ve got that je ne sais quoi that I abhor.

   19) You were smoking a cigarette in a photo. Cigarette smoking is such an essential part of who you are that you need to have it in your dating profile photos? Gross. I’m a yoga instructor. Get your life together before your lungs collapse. 

   20) You’re partying in every photo. I partied professionally in Las Vegas for 2 and 1/2 years. I’m over it. These days, I want to go to bed at a reasonable hour and never drink a vodka redbull ever again.

   21) You have hot women with you in every photo. If I’m better looking than the girls you’re showing off then you’ve got no chance.

   22) You’re holding a guitar. I’m not going to date a musician that I met on the Internet... even my phone is worried that it’ll catch something from you. BUT if I meet you at a show that you’re playing, and if you’re incredibly amazing then herpes be damned! I’ll fall in love with you instantly.

   23) You have headshots. You’re an actor and I don’t like it one bit. Let me know if you’re ever famous, otherwise piss off.

   24) You posted a link to your art and I think it sucks.

   25) I was already on a roll of swiping left and accidentally swiped you left too! I’m so sorry, baby! Goodbye my one true love, goodbye! May our paths cross again one day. :(

These are the reasons why I swiped left to you on Tinder! Sorry I’m not sorry. 

Tips for OK Cupid Dating From A (Former) Las Vegas Stripper

(any photos for this article, other than mine, have been taken from actual OK Cupid Profiles.)

This is me! 

Am I an expert on relationships? Hell no.

Am I an expert on catching and keeping the attention of people of the opposite sex? Abso-friggin-lutely.

For 2.5 years, my job was to compete for the attention of men with thousands of the hottest, craziest women you’re ever going to meet. And I made a lot of money by being great at my job. 

table service @ACT nightclub with my "competition" (I'm in the bottom right)

And I want to help you appear cooler and get laid more often, cause then everyone would be in a better mood, and they’d be nicer, and the world would be better, and it would all be because of this incredibly useful blog post.

Here’s how your OK Cupid profile sucks and how you can EASILY make it better:

These are THE ONLY THREE reasons people, other than your family, want to hang out with you:

1)   SEX: They find you physically attractive. Bang bang bang.

2)   SOCIAL: They want to hang out with you and your friends because you all seem cool and look like a helluva lot of fun… or if you’re not into fun… then you all have shared interests.

3)   TASK: Whether through talent, skills, money, work ethic, or connections, you can help this person complete a task. Yes, remaining housed, clothed and fed is a task.

That’s it. That’s the whole shebang. Be in denial if you’d like. You’re wrong, and I’m right. Because this is the truth of the matter, and the more you’re able to improve your life in these three categories the more attraction you will create.

Don’t say some nonsense like, “What about someone liking me for me?”

THIS IS YOU. And if you can’t see that, then I’d imagine your life could use a bit more focus and hustle. 

So how can you better trick people into believing you excel in all three of these areas in the online dating world?

SEX

PROFILE PHOTO:

DO find your best headshot and make that your profile picture. 

If you’ve got the dough, I recommend paying a professional to take one for you. I can’t overemphasize the value of good lighting… and photo shop.

omg. so dreamy!

DON’T have other people in your profile photo. 

This reads as insecure. You’re not enough to attract me on your own?

Can I get your buddy's #? 

Other Photos:

DO pick two photos of you at your most attractive. 

With photos, go for quality instead of quantity. If you don’t know which ones these are, then ask a friend, or even ask me through email at theyogastripper@gmail.com. 

DO have AT LEAST one photo of you smiling or you’ll look creepy. 

Also, I want to check out your teeth. :D

DON’T take self-shot headshots or full body shots. 

You'll appear to be a delusional vapid narcissist, or a shut in who doesn’t know even one friend who would take a photo of them.

SOCIAL

OTHER PHOTOS:

DO have a photo with attractive friends. 

I’m sure your friends are all super cool and talented people, but I CAN’T SEE THAT ONLINE. If you’re posting a photo with friends (not necessary), I’m assuming you’re using your friends as an enticement for me to get to know you better… so make sure your friends look enticing.

How much fun would this be?!

DO have photos of you traveling to places and doing activities. 

Any proof that you’ve left your house to DO SOMETHING increases your social value.

This guy was in Canada! 

DON’T post photos of you standing awkwardly by a celebrity 

I’m not impressed that you met someone interesting at one time.

DON’T (if you’re a guy) post photos with you and a lone hot girl

  I’m not impressed you met a hot girl at one time.

DON’T repeat photo types. 

You don’t need five different photos of you with five different people I don’t know. And I especially don't need 5 different head shots at 5 different angles. 

this is how he looks close up, in case you were wondering

ABOUT YOU:

DON’T list every random TV show and movie and thought that’s ever crossed your mind. 

A broad list of other people’s creations doesn’t help anyone know or like YOU. Feel free to list bands, TV shows, what have you… but they better be really awesome and somehow speak to your personality. 

DON’T answer every question in detail. 

It looks as though you’re trying too hard and are a bit desperate. It’s okay to occasionally be brief or to not answer at all. Answer what questions you like and a few in detail. 

TASK

DO post photos of you playing instruments, cooking a meal, fixing a car, on a sweet yacht, in any country in Europe, by a nice house… etc. etc. etc.

DO talk about/list the 5 (up to 10) things that are truly important to you in your life. If your interests are super numerous and varied then when did you have the time to be good at any of them?

DO mention how you spend a lot of time at either learning or working or on building shit for Burning Man…  

something specific… not just in general. Show you've invested time into something important to you.

DON’T explicitly write that you’re talented, skilled, have money, have work ethic, or have connections… 

because if it was true, you wouldn’t need to tell people, and bragging makes you look like a try-hard dbag.

Okay, now go fix your profile. And have fun. And don’t worry about rejection. EVERYONE gets rejected. Having worked as a Spearmint Rhino stripper, I can pretty much guarantee that I HAVE BEEN REJECTED WAY MORE THAN YOU HAVE. Rejection builds character. And once you lose your fear of rejection, you become all the more attractive and wonderful.  

Good luck.