Dear Friend: Snapchat Dick Pics Wanted

Dear Friend,

It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you, and I want to catch you up on my life in LA. In lieu of our once-lengthy correspondences, we’ve texted, liked each other’s Facebook statuses and you’ve sent me snapchats of your day-to-day activities.

Obviously, I would have preferred snapchats of your naked body. But, I guess, if you don’t want to be cool and share full-frontal snaps throughout the day with me, then that’s fine. I still want to be friends. But look, becoming better at Snapchat should be one of your New Year’s resolutions. Like, right when you get out of the shower, just take a snapchat in a full-length mirror and send it over to me for 9 seconds. It’s really not so hard.

What about the concept of Snapchat exactly are you not understanding? Is it the part where you should be sending me dick pics, but instead are NOT sending me dick pics? If you're not going to send me funny dick pics, then you may as well get off of the app all together. You’re wasting my time. I don’t give a damn about the sunset you saw yesterday, that basket of puppies you saved or your wife smiling lovingly as she holds your first-born child. I wasn’t even remotely inspired by that shit.

You never asked me to do this, but still I’ve sent you 5-second close-up snaps of my vagina every day since we were last together. I draw mustaches on my vagina for you. I color my vagina all of the different colors of the rainbow for you. I have my vagina saying funny things about the weather being hot and humid for you. I do all of this for you because a true friend shouldn’t need to be asked for funny pictures of their genitalia, BECAUSE THEY’VE ALREADY SENT FUNNY PICTURES OF THEIR GENITALIA.

Seriously, All I receive in return from you are snaps of jack-o-lanterns and pictures of fucking cats! Seriously, this is abysmal Snapchat etiquette. Sometimes I wonder if you even care about me at all. Seriously, do you even care about me at all?! I’m not a whore! I matter! Screw you! Why don’t you go say hi to your lovely wife who you love deeply for me?!?! I’m sure you make her very happy. Whatever, your marriage is not important to me. What IS important to me is Snapchat.

Snaps of my vagina are to let you know that I’m thinking of you, that I value your friendship and to give you something to aspire towards.

How have you been?

I am very good. A lot of great and exciting stuff is happening for me in LA. I’d tell you more about it, but I’ve spent so much energy explaining all of the ways in which you are failing at Snapchat that I’ve run out of time. However, this was obviously an issue that needed addressed. I feel a lot better having gotten that off of my chest.

Your friend,

Leah

p.s. Check your Snapchat inbox! ;)

Follow me on twitter @theyogastripper

5 Ways that Stripping in Vegas Changed Me

I worked as a stripper for 2 ½ years at the Spearmint Rhino in Vegas. I haven’t been a stripper since April, and I’m still adjusting to life after that Black Friday hustle in the darkness.

There have been some good changes to my psyche that will help me to succeed in life, and there have been some disturbing changes that make me want to go to therapy ASAP.

The good and bad together, I know that all of the changes have made me more adept at survival. A good story teaches us how to adapt, survive and thrive, and stripping in Vegas was a great story.

I’m much stronger, if not better, for my time as a stripper.  And here’s my brain now because of it…

1)   I like older guys

As a stripper at work in Vegas, this is how the scene looks: Good-looking guys my age are arrogant, broke douche bags who will give me no money yet still think I’d like to have sex with them just because they’re hot. Or they’ll offer an insultingly low amount of money for sex.

“Come back to my hotel room with me. I’ll give you a $100.”

“Nope. Bye. Have fun masturbating.”

Men 35+ are where it’s at in a stripper’s world. These men are really excited that a young girl is willing to writhe around almost naked with them and they respond with a lot of gratitude, a lot of compliments and a lot of cash.

So yeah, post stripping, I still carry a torch for older gentlemen who have the desire and the means to spoil me.  And, unless I’m especially horny and lonely, I have disdain for the guys my age that are too cocky and beautiful. “Get a real job, pretty boy.”

2)   Rejection is my middle name… aka I’m fearless

I have been rejected more than anyone who has never worked as a stripper. My sexual overtures have been rejected by 1000s of men. Thousands of men were huge assholes to me, waved me away from them without a word or told me I wasn’t their type. Thousands of men told me $20 was too much to have my naked breasts in their face for a song. A few men even tried not to pay me after my naked breasts had been in their face, telling me “You’re not worth that much.”

When a guy overreacts to my rejection of him, instead of feeling bad, as I did before being a stripper, I find it extremely pathetic.

When I was rejected, I got up and got on with my life. I didn’t throw a fucking tantrum.

 I had one guy I’d rejected at a bar tell me to, “Go kill yourself.”

Seriously, dude? Grow a freaking pair.

Constant rejection was THE BEST GIFT stripping gave me. Most people live their entire lives with a paralyzing fear of rejection. They’re too afraid to be told No. They’re too afraid to fail. They’re too afraid of potential pain. And so they never TRY anything.

And seriously, you’ll miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

With fear of rejection a vague memory, I’m free to approach anyone, try anything, risk it all…

I’m free to move to LA to pursue my childhood dream of being a writer. And that’s well worth being told No a few thousand times.  After all, it only takes one.

3)   Prostitution is totally fine and awesome.

I wasn’t a prostitute in Vegas. I wasn’t even fully nude. I was selling tits. I was selling a party. I was selling pretending to care about men I couldn’t have cared less about.

I wasn’t sleeping with men for money, but this was a line drawn in the sand. I WAS selling a level of intimacy, once reserved for my boyfriend, to whoever was willing to pay me enough, and this decision, repeated over time, resulted in the same detached mentality towards sex that prostitutes have.

Make me an offer. I might take you up on it.

When I first started stripping, the idea of sex for money was appalling.

“Absolutely NOT! I am NOT for sale! Not for a million dollars I wouldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t choose from my loins!”

Three years later, I believe that there’s nothing wrong with choosing sexual partners with my brain instead of my loins. There’s nothing wrong with making decisions with my wallet instead of my heart.

No one in their right mind would have been willing to pay me a million dollars to sleep with them. So then I lowered my hypothetical price to $30,000. By the end, when a friend told me she’d agreed to have sex with someone for $2000, I was legitimately impressed with her being able to pull that sort of money and I insisted that she should be proud of herself.  Market value for high-end pussy in Vegas was only $1000 after all – my girl gets double that cause she’s a sexy baller.

This attitude of having no price that someone could pay you for sex is so far removed from most people’s realities… this is the naïve attitude of first world women who have never had to compromise themselves in order to survive.

This no longer describes me.

4)   Don’t cuddle me, bro.

I’m totally fine with having some fun with a guy that I couldn’t care less about.

As long as it’s safe, then I don’t need to know anyone’s real name…

But I can’t cuddle with anyone unless I actually care about him. Cuddling was never a commodity I was selling.

Sex is a fun 2-man, or occasionally group, activity. Cuddling is letting my guard down, letting myself feel my emotions for a change instead of using yoga to quiet and control them.

Vulnerability doesn’t make money, and I’m trained to make money.

“Do you want to sleep over?”

“Oh… that’s okay. I’m sure you have a really early morning…”

“No, I have a completely free day.”

“Right… I wanted to get a full day of writing in… sooo…Bye.”

5)   “Yo, Eskimo. Lemme sell you some ice.”

My interpersonal skills, my sales skills, are like no other. If I had a sales business, I’d want to hire exclusively ex-strippers to pedal my wares… not that I could afford their services.

Everything the books tell you to do to improve your communication skills, I did for years for money. I learned to approach, build rapport and confidence, and most importantly, I learned to close. ABCs – Always be closing.

Every interaction people have has the undercurrent of sex. This is why we like people. This is why we do what others want us to do. Sex is always the secret reason behind persuasion.
I spent years blatantly selling my sexuality – putting it so far ahead of myself that it couldn’t be missed. So now, all I have to do to sell is tone the sex down. The persuasion works the same as when I was stripping, only the subtly has been adjusted.

If this whole writing shebang doesn’t work out, I’m going to be making bank as Billy Mayes – hocking whatever the hell I want to hock – because I can convince Eskimos to buy ice.

So that’s it. That’s my mind now after stripping. 

I sometimes miss the Ohio country girl I once was. But that’s okay because the woman I am now is hardworking, determined, beautiful, brave and so incredibly strong that it hurts my heart to remember what she had to go through to become that way.

I still fully believe that when I achieve True Liberation, it’ll all have been worth the trouble.  And the journey itself has been well worth the price of admission. 

Poetry

A Fight in the Car

I engage in behavior - destructive and immoral.

Behavior that simultaneously

Fascinates and electrifies.

The proud owner of breathtaking stories.

The Guide in my brain, Responsible 
for right from wrong

 Violently opposes me

The rest desperately

Want to see what will happen.

The Creative Process

First, make-believe

The plot is fine.

Convince others too

Corroborate my story.

Change reality.

Color and light shift,

The old view

Distorted and lost.

Finally, I write.

A Happy Tune

I walk down an ominous road.

Spending hours staring at, imagining and reimagining

Sinister shadows.

Through strength their malicious powers away;

I defeat their fear.

Pain is a funny joke.

Constant vigilance

Of getting lost.

Dear Friend - I have bought a bicycle and a chair. And some whiskey.

Dear Friend

I’m still loving LA. A lot of great stuff happening. 

Mainly that I have a bicycle that I ride all around. I bought it at a used bike shop and yesterday bought a used helmet to go with it.

When I talked to Harland Williams about my used bike he said, “We’ve all been there. We all had our used bike days. Don’t worry, you’ll make your trillions.” 

It’s always comforting when someone who has found a way to live off of his or her passion believes in me.

It’s a really nice bike and the first one I’ve had in three years.

When I was in Vegas, I made a list of things that I wanted in my life that I believed would make me happier. Above such luxuries as financial stability, a TV writer’s job and health insurance, I wrote:

1) A bicycle I can ride to yoga and to coffee shops to write

2) Leave my house and be able to walk to places. Not need to drive everywhere.

3) A place where I feel safe walking

4) No bars on my windows

I didn’t have any of those things in Las Vegas, and now I have them all.

I ride my bike along Silver Lake reservoir to a yoga studio where I have a first month Groupon. The studio definitely isn’t my favorite – not a great class selection and not always as challenging as I’d like - but it’s a really beautiful ride over and a good workout with 1 ½ hours of yoga and a 5-mile bike trip.

I just bought a chair for my room too! I now own a fancy 2-person chair. It’s blue, and once I buy a nice reading lamp, I’ll be able to sit in my chair late at night reading and writing.

I got locked out of my house the other day and had to break my roommate’s screen to get back inside. Tomorrow I have to go to a place to get it rescreened. 

Also, I need to buy a bottle of whiskey to replace the one I drank. Totally worth it. That was some really nice whiskey.

Anyways… write and tell me what you’ve bought recently. theyogastripper@gmail.com

To reiterate, I have recently bought (or am about to buy) a bicycle, bicycle accessories, a chair, a screen and a nice bottle of whiskey. Look at me settling into a location! It’s such a great feeling to finally be where I want to be… location-wise at least.

I don’t even mind traffic because it gives me an opportunity to listen to NPR and learn some Spanish. Over half the radio stations are Spanish speaking, and I listen to 96.3, which has Mexican and American club hits and talks in both Spanish and English. I understand most of everything thanks to my Portuguese, but I’m still far from being able to speak confidently.

I miss you and I think of you often. Come visit me soon.

Leah

Dear Friend - Life in Los Angeles

Dear Friend

Silver Lake is amazing. I finished the first draft of my TV show pilot and I have a Vegas friend, a writer for Penn and Teller, and one of the funniest men I know, looking over it this week and telling me how I can improve it. So, I’m now working on supporting documents for the show. I’m writing Treatments (detailed outlines) for the next 2 episodes, and creating a “story bible” with the characters and descriptions of the world they live in.

I’m also trying to improve my ability to write comedic sitcoms. I’m analyzing some of the best sitcoms figuring out their formulas and analyzing their characters. My improv classes are amazingly helpful in this. Through improv, I am gaining a much better understanding of comedic characters and scenes. Practically every decent comedic performer and writer studies improvisation.

It seems much easier to be successful in this industry now that I’m actually in LA. As long as I keep writing and producing and never stop then it’s going to go really well. I get better at writing every day. I meet other writers that are already successful and have careers that I aspire to. And I meet writers that are just okay and still have jobs.

These last months in LA have truly been some of the happiest of my life. There’s so much to do and learn here. Every creator I’ve ever wanted to meet who is alive right now lives in the same place I do. It’s the most amazing feeling.

Every Sunday, I’ve been going to the live podcast of Dan Harmon, the creator of the TV show Community. Community is definitely one of the best comedy shows on television, and by showing up over an hour early, I get to sit in the front row to listen to Dan and his friends discuss what their lives are like. It’s incredibly inspiring. It reminds me of Movie Night in Las Vegas with Penn Jillette and his/my friends – both Dan and Penn are loud successful creative geniuses surrounded by opinionated funny people – but Dan is an often-depressed alcoholic while Penn has never touched a drop of alcohol. Also, Penn was my friend, and I, so far, just pretend that these people are my friends.

My yoga practice has improved since I’ve moved here as well. I haven’t taught a class since April, which has given me the opportunity to have my own practice where I can focus on my breath and meditate. It’s a bit hard, because I love yoga and writing equally, and I wish I had two lives – one where I could focus on my writing and one where I focus only on yoga. I don’t know which would make me happier. But, I’ve started to miss teaching now, so I’m going to try and find a yoga instructing job – I’m sure a gym would hire me. I’m a really good instructor for my 2 ½ years of teaching. The studio yoga instructors have all been teaching for at least 10 years it seems, and I’d have to practice and learn a lot more to get one of the best teaching jobs. But, that’s one of the best things about yoga – it teaches me to live in the present and enjoy breathing and all of the amazing people and places I’m experiencing, and at least I try not to project myself too much into a future where there will simply be new problems and new rewards.

I’m going to be signing up for Central Casting maybe next week. Central Casting does the background casting for TV shows and movies. So since I’m a pretty girl who can play between 18-30-something probably, I should be able to get a lot of work as an extra. That way I can still have a free schedule, make some extra money, and be on film sets so I can learn more about the process.

I already have one amazing and connected friend out here, my friend from college Harry. He’s been writing/directing/producing films since he was 14 in Chicago. When my Vegas friend is done helping me with my TV show pilot, and I think it’s really as good as I can make it, then I can show Harry and I think Harry will know how to help me with what to do next.

I already have a lot of friends here. There is a group of pretty, super great girls from my college who all live right by each other on the beach, and I’ve been going to stay them on weekends. We listen to music together and drink on the beach. A lot of friends from college, or people I’ve met through happenstance. For example, I have one friend out here who produces cool reality shows for the food network and discovery channels and I met him my Sophomore year of college when a friend of mine was on a really awful Playboy TV show. I had a magazine I was “running” at the time, and I hit it off with the men working on the show and they let me follow them around for the week to write an article. And it would seem more people move here every day.

I’m still working on finding a group of really great funny writers with which to collaborate and spend all of my time, but I’m sure it will happen soon.

Last night, I went by myself to see one of my favorite bands play – Alt-J. It was a wonderful experience. I was crying and dancing and singing along with thousands of people. Music is so good live. Even when I go to listen alone.

I miss you. I’ll see you soon. I hope.

Leah

Writing process for The Yoga Stripper

• Thursday
• 

  5:39pm

  Leah 

  hi Laila! how are you? ive been seeing all your posts regarding "the yoga stripper" and i'm very curious! is it a memoir? i've always thought about writing a book, but i can barely get enough cohesive thoughts together for an essay (i'm more of a poet...) im just curious about your writing process and how everthing came together. i know this is kind of a random message so i totally understand if you're super busy with everything but i'd love to chat sometime! thanks girl! take care - leah

  
  

  • Today
  • 

    12:59pm

    Laila Lucent

    hey Leah!

    yes. it's a memoir. This is the amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/The-Yoga-Stripper-Memoir-Namaste/dp/1482000091/

    writing process... I moved to Vegas knowing I wanted to write something about stripping, or at least I decided that on the car ride over, but I didn't know what the story was. So, I just lived my life, made a lot of poor decisions, was really lonely, and tried to teach myself to write screenplays. I wrote a really terrible movie about stripping that hopefully no one will ever read.

    After a year in Vegas, I started writing the book. By then I knew what I wanted to say about stripping. The points I wanted to get across. That you can either be used or empowered... in stripping and in the rest of your life and it's YOUR CHOICE. and a lot of other little points... about the importance of self-reliance... perception/misperception... the religious patriarchal undertones of our society that want to control my behavior...

    So then... that's what I wanted to say... so I listed the stories that made the points I wanted to make and the moments where I'd messed up or learned lessons that I was willing to share with everyone... It's always best to show instead of tell. And make them laugh or they'll kill you..

    And then there's even a vague character arch. Not enough for a tight movie... not too much causality and no climax... but enough of an arch where I started off my journey alone and lost and ended it with friends and in control. I think the arch in a story is the most important part or it's not really a story at all. just a bunch of things happening. Someone needs to grow and change. Someone needs to learn something new.

    After I had all of the stories written it was almost another year before I got the damn thing out into the world. A LOT of editing. A LOT of chapters were cut. A LOT of minutia. A LOT of help from friends.

    I'm really proud of the final product. Definitely a good start to my career. Hopefully I can keep making more art I'm proud of and eventually make a living that way

    Let me know if this was what you were asking

    xx Hope you're great. I'm glad I weirdly stalked you into being my friend all those years ago.

Art and Achieving True Liberation

• A Message from a Facebook Friend at 2 a.m. last night
  

  What is it about your life that intrigues me lol. I envy all that you've done. I'm working on mine with the singing and whatnot. But to be truthful I do not feel I'm ok looking nor know how to be lol. I want to write a book. To know that I'm appreciated. Ha ok ill stop talking.
  
• Today
• 

  4:03pm
  

  Laila Lucent
  

  thanks
  

  I've actually been thinking about this lately... fucking money man. A lot of us are artists, but to become any good at your art, to be able to make real money off of it, can take years... and maybe that will NEVER happen. So... then you need to find a job in order to live on, and you're too tired to do any art, cause all of your time is invested in eating.

  I had the "good" fortune of having my sexuality to sell... but that takes something else other than time away, but then at least I have time to get myself free... achieve true liberation, whatever fucked conception of that idea I have in my mind.

  it's so easy to just give up. but fuck that, cause there's no point to any of it, and if art is your point to it then you can never give up art... i just wish it didn't need to be about the money or the success... I hope I have money soon from my writing. I made a couple thousand on the book so far, but obviously that pays for less than 2 months in LA. so you know. the hustle continues. My looks begin to fade. The clock ticks along.

  I'm writing a really really cool tv show now, so hopefully that'll make me money or get me something I want.

  Anyway, I meant I'm happy you're working on singing and whatnot and I hope you can make art for art's sake and not for any other reason..

  And honestly, writing a book is kind of a shit way to get appreciated these days. haha but it does make me feel a little bit warmer on cold nights and it's certainly given me more confidence going into future projects.

  Have a good day

Tips for OK Cupid Dating From A (Former) Las Vegas Stripper

(any photos for this article, other than mine, have been taken from actual OK Cupid Profiles.)

This is me! 

Am I an expert on relationships? Hell no.

Am I an expert on catching and keeping the attention of people of the opposite sex? Abso-friggin-lutely.

For 2.5 years, my job was to compete for the attention of men with thousands of the hottest, craziest women you’re ever going to meet. And I made a lot of money by being great at my job. 

table service @ACT nightclub with my "competition" (I'm in the bottom right)

And I want to help you appear cooler and get laid more often, cause then everyone would be in a better mood, and they’d be nicer, and the world would be better, and it would all be because of this incredibly useful blog post.

Here’s how your OK Cupid profile sucks and how you can EASILY make it better:

These are THE ONLY THREE reasons people, other than your family, want to hang out with you:

1)   SEX: They find you physically attractive. Bang bang bang.

2)   SOCIAL: They want to hang out with you and your friends because you all seem cool and look like a helluva lot of fun… or if you’re not into fun… then you all have shared interests.

3)   TASK: Whether through talent, skills, money, work ethic, or connections, you can help this person complete a task. Yes, remaining housed, clothed and fed is a task.

That’s it. That’s the whole shebang. Be in denial if you’d like. You’re wrong, and I’m right. Because this is the truth of the matter, and the more you’re able to improve your life in these three categories the more attraction you will create.

Don’t say some nonsense like, “What about someone liking me for me?”

THIS IS YOU. And if you can’t see that, then I’d imagine your life could use a bit more focus and hustle. 

So how can you better trick people into believing you excel in all three of these areas in the online dating world?

SEX

PROFILE PHOTO:

DO find your best headshot and make that your profile picture. 

If you’ve got the dough, I recommend paying a professional to take one for you. I can’t overemphasize the value of good lighting… and photo shop.

omg. so dreamy!

DON’T have other people in your profile photo. 

This reads as insecure. You’re not enough to attract me on your own?

Can I get your buddy's #? 

Other Photos:

DO pick two photos of you at your most attractive. 

With photos, go for quality instead of quantity. If you don’t know which ones these are, then ask a friend, or even ask me through email at theyogastripper@gmail.com. 

DO have AT LEAST one photo of you smiling or you’ll look creepy. 

Also, I want to check out your teeth. :D

DON’T take self-shot headshots or full body shots. 

You'll appear to be a delusional vapid narcissist, or a shut in who doesn’t know even one friend who would take a photo of them.

SOCIAL

OTHER PHOTOS:

DO have a photo with attractive friends. 

I’m sure your friends are all super cool and talented people, but I CAN’T SEE THAT ONLINE. If you’re posting a photo with friends (not necessary), I’m assuming you’re using your friends as an enticement for me to get to know you better… so make sure your friends look enticing.

How much fun would this be?!

DO have photos of you traveling to places and doing activities. 

Any proof that you’ve left your house to DO SOMETHING increases your social value.

This guy was in Canada! 

DON’T post photos of you standing awkwardly by a celebrity 

I’m not impressed that you met someone interesting at one time.

DON’T (if you’re a guy) post photos with you and a lone hot girl

  I’m not impressed you met a hot girl at one time.

DON’T repeat photo types. 

You don’t need five different photos of you with five different people I don’t know. And I especially don't need 5 different head shots at 5 different angles. 

this is how he looks close up, in case you were wondering

ABOUT YOU:

DON’T list every random TV show and movie and thought that’s ever crossed your mind. 

A broad list of other people’s creations doesn’t help anyone know or like YOU. Feel free to list bands, TV shows, what have you… but they better be really awesome and somehow speak to your personality. 

DON’T answer every question in detail. 

It looks as though you’re trying too hard and are a bit desperate. It’s okay to occasionally be brief or to not answer at all. Answer what questions you like and a few in detail. 

TASK

DO post photos of you playing instruments, cooking a meal, fixing a car, on a sweet yacht, in any country in Europe, by a nice house… etc. etc. etc.

DO talk about/list the 5 (up to 10) things that are truly important to you in your life. If your interests are super numerous and varied then when did you have the time to be good at any of them?

DO mention how you spend a lot of time at either learning or working or on building shit for Burning Man…  

something specific… not just in general. Show you've invested time into something important to you.

DON’T explicitly write that you’re talented, skilled, have money, have work ethic, or have connections… 

because if it was true, you wouldn’t need to tell people, and bragging makes you look like a try-hard dbag.

Okay, now go fix your profile. And have fun. And don’t worry about rejection. EVERYONE gets rejected. Having worked as a Spearmint Rhino stripper, I can pretty much guarantee that I HAVE BEEN REJECTED WAY MORE THAN YOU HAVE. Rejection builds character. And once you lose your fear of rejection, you become all the more attractive and wonderful.  

Good luck. 

When I am old

When I am old, I will constantly remind the people I meet that I am old.

In case they hadn’t noticed my hunch and my squint and the lines carving out the promise of a smile, I will tell them that I am, in fact, very old.

I will tell my grand children, or at least whatever children I can find, that I was born before the Internet existed. I’ll tell them it was before cell phones and before the constant stream of connectivity flowing all around us. I’ll tell them about silence. I’ll tell them of being in a world where no one knew where you were and to track you took more than the touch of a button.

I’ll explain that it was so much easier to lie when I was young.

I’ll have my craggy grumpy husband by my side and together we’ll go on walks and read books and, if I’m willing to risk a broken hip, we’ll climb trees.

Or I’ll be alone without a husband and instead I’ll have cats. I’ll have one cat for every man, woman and child that I’ve ever been in love with – there will be hundreds, thousands, of them – all named for my friends who are now gone – either dead or in countries and states that I will no longer have the energy to visit.

I’ll tell stories. Long stories. Funny stories. True stories. About all of the stupid decisions I’ve made and about how, after enough time has passed, nothing at all seems to have been a mistake anymore. No mistakes, no triumphs, no right, no wrong, no good and no bad will remain – only the stories. And I promise you that they will all be true.

I’ll read books. Real books. Not the electronic kind. I’ll have a house where I can keep all of my books. They’ll have their own room. The books won’t have to all fit into a suitcase, which will then have to fit into a small car, which will then have to be driven to a completely foreign and terrifying place. The books, like me, will be content to stay in one place and to have a place where they belong. Every book will have been chosen for a time and a purpose of my life. All of the books I’ve written, all of the books my friends have written, all of the books I planned to write – they’ll all be my shadows, and they’ll live with me when I am old.

When I am old, I’ll feel the same way that I do now - only sleepier. I’ll say the years passed in a day, and that it was all a dream, and that I’m ready to die, but don’t want to die, but at the same time wouldn’t like to be uploaded to a computer to live forever.

I’ll know that everything passes, that the only desires worth obtaining require patience, that some things will never be made the way I thought they would be, and that most dreams I have will never come true. 

I will do yoga every day. Every day I will say hello to the sun. Every day I will smile.

And I will remind everyone that I am old.